Fear and Final Cut
Thursday, June 16, 2011 at 3:56PM My status update on my Facebook page reads, “Opened up Final Cut Pro for the 1st time since becoming a mom. Aaah. Breathing through the fear & resting in my commitment. #fearoftechnology #editingisSCARY”. I also mentioned my fear to some filmmakers at last night’s Canada Council event. From the “me too” reactions, clearly, I hit a nerve.
For an example of the Final Cut panic syndrome, here's a screenshot from my current project. I am working on my first video-based "5Q Interview" with the soul-full Vikram Vij, the owner-chef of Vij's restaurant on W11th in Vancouver (gawd, have you tried the lamb popsicles). In the shot below, you may notice a lot of red. Just like the homework assignments you got back from your teacher in grade school, red is never a good sign. All my files have gone offline. Hmph.
Let me confess. I am a filmmaker and yet I have a severe fear of technology. I am scared of not remembering how to use Final Cut, of not knowing the answer when I find myself in a tech problem, of messing up my whole project with one click of the mouse. I am scared to look at my footage and accept it just the way it is. I am scared that I will see glaring problems in the video or audio, and will need an editing solution, but that I won’t know what to do. I am scared of the process, the tedious process of assembling a timeline, making cuts, watching it again and again, rough cutting, then final cutting...then outputting (the worst part). I am scared of the hours ahead of me.
(Here's a screenshot of what Final Cut can look like when things are working. No red!)
When I think of a video camera, say a Panasonic HDV, here’s what I think of in my stream of consciousness: 24p, iris, aperture, lens, tripod, white balance, lift, haul, 1080i, tape, sound levels, headphones, 4:3, letterbox, menu, focus, color bars.
And here’s the stream when I think of Final Cut: settings, save, pen, link, apple-i, timeline, canvas, red audio, mouse, bin, sequence, render, cross-fade.
It’s amazing that only five years ago, I had not heard of any of these technological terms. I hadn’t even used a MAC. I was working in a completely different industry, almost like living on a different planet.
Whoa. Okay, that feels better. A shift! An appreciation of myself for everything I HAVE learnt. And an appreciation that yes, I am relatively new at this. A beginner. I’m a beginner and I’m still learning. I am allowed to ask questions. I am allowed to feel uncertain.
But I have also allowed my fears keep me away from technology for too long. I had time to reflect during my recent trip to the West Coast, and I pinpointed the fears that are holding me back from pursuing my calling. And I will be writing about them here on this blog.
By writing about my fears in my journal or on this blog, broadcasting them on my Facebook page, vocalizing them to whoever will listen, I realize that the fear is only as big or small as I make it. I realize that I am not alone – technology and editing feel terrifying and overwhelming to anyone who is still learning (even the guys!) and we need each other’s honesty to build our own capacity. To keep going.
I realize that my commitment to my calling is bigger than my fear. Yes! My mouse is waiting.
[A shout-out to Brian Batista for being my editor slash editing teacher for my last two films. He’s the reason I know anything at all.]
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